Whew...

I've had a rough few days and a very busy past couple weeks. But the last few days have been really really tough. Nothing particularly terrible happened; no one died or got in any accidents. DH still has his job and is wonderfully providing for us. My kids are still here and love me (although after this morning, I'm sure they are thinking twice). It was just one of those weeks. And it started fine. Go figure. It started with my asthma really being horrible and me just trying "tough it out." Then I woke up sick a day later and hoped that I could just shake it off with lots of vitamins and water, but secretly I knew that my respiratory issues were going to play a role in this one. That same day Q's and Nashe both woke up from their naps with runny noses, watery eyes and a raspy throat. Ohhhh noooo... I groaned to myself. And of course, DH was just going back to work after having a couple days off. The first day wasn't so bad, but the few days following were nothing short of my version of a horror flick. The kids were whiny and grumpy, obviously miserable. They didn't sleep at night and kinda slept during the day. Both had swollen eyes and noses and just needed me non stop but no one really knew exactly what it was they wanted. Attention? For a minute or two and then they wanted me to leave them alone. And then hold them. And then a snack. And then they didn't like the snack. And then a drink, but not water, "Juuuuiiiiceeee." And then outside, but it was too hot and everyone was burning up with a fever anyway. And then a movie, but only one wanted a movie. The other wanted to play cars, but they both wanted me right with them, holding them, but not too close. No exaggeration. I had already had a Doctor's appt with our PCP to get a referral to my pulmonologist since I needed one for an insurance change. So we went to that, which got me nowhere because the Dr told me that my pulm. didn't take our new insurance plan. Great. So he gave me a referral to an allergist. Okay...I wasn't opposed to going to an allergist, but I really wanted to see the pulm. I have seen for years, since I was in elementary school! Anyway, I made the appointment with the allergist, but can't get in until next week. Meanwhile, have I mentioned that the whooping cough that I develop almost every time I get a cold has me coughing so bad that I threw up EVERYTHING in my stomach for four days and made my throat so raw that drinking anything, even water or tea, stung. Yeah, really not fun. And I couldn't sleep at night, even on the two nights the kiddos did sleep, because I was coughing/throwing up hourly. Really not pleasant. So after a couple frustrating and sleepless nights I called my pulm. directly to double check and lo and behold they take my insurance!! So I called PCP back to ask them to change the referral or add a new one so that I could see him and after six hours, a 33 minute phone call and 18 minutes on hold, I discover that my message to the Dr was lost under some papers and he hasn't yet seen it. 3:30 on Friday...fantastic. The office called me back a little bit later and said that the Dr would not give me a new or change my referral until I saw the allergist first! What??? I wasn't asking to see a new doctor! I have been with this pulm. doctor since I was nine or ten! I just had to have a referral due to changes in insurance!! So after arguing and getting absolutely NOWHERE, I hung up and cried. 4:30 on Friday and the kids needed me by then, I had no time to look up, call and change our PCP and get a new referral. And on top of everything, I was starving! haha!


Today I woke up feeling much better and the kids were feeling a lot better yesterday. Thank goodness! I was able to eat lunch and dinner today so my stomach has hushed its pleas of hunger. But that didn't stop me from totally blowing up and losing it this morning. My kids were fighting, screaming and yelling, crying to mom to fix everything, and DH was leaving for work, only to return well after they are in bed. I just couldn't take it! I was overwhelmed and exhausted, frustrated and feeling very weak and very sorry for myself. Even though we were through the worst of our week, I just couldn't let it go. I had my breaking point. I yelled at everyone to leave me alone and walked away crying about how I just needed a break! I said that I needed a sick day! I needed a nanny so I could take a nap!
It was a very proud and mature moment, for sure. Not. I had been packing everyone up to run to Target and I went out and just sat in my car and cried. DH came and hugged me and promised to give me some alone time Sunday night when he gets home earlier from work. And the horrible thing is, he has been so helpful all week! Bringing home dinner for the kids, helping me with baths and bed time, making breakfast if he can before he leaves, taking care of the dogs, etc. And I feel so badly for making him think he wasn't doing enough! I mean jeez...I don't think I touched dishes or laundry for two days. I was the one being a lazy bum and feeling sorry for myself. I was so upset about being so sick and so tired, not being able to see my doctor, missing all of our fun plans for the week, and missing church this week that I took everything out on my poor family. It's not like they were on a tropical beach sipping smoothies all week!
I snapped out of it and we ran our errands, came home and did some much needed chores around the house. We cooked dinner, danced, played, colored, did learning time and read books. We had a positive, productive and somewhat normal day.

Besides everyone being sick and miserable all week, Thursday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, and while a year ago this day passed me by without even a slight thought, this year it was all I could think about. I was overcome with a whole new wave of guilt. I missed the baby I had lost in pregnancy and felt incredibly awful that I was carrying a new one. I know it's an irrational thought, but it's something I just cannot help. I thought of all the families, the mothers around the country and world that lose children before they can meet or get to know them. I wondered how often those other mothers thought of these children. I felt sad and burdened by these other families. It was a hard day but important to me at the same time. I lit a candle, even though I often light candles throughout and especially towards the end of the day. Those that honor this day to remember the babies lost to miscarriage and SIDS generally light a candle at 7:00 pm and keep the light going for one hour. I bought a new candle on Wednesday for this occasion. It was really overwhelming to watch the flicker and think about everything. My baby would have been due sometime this month. I didn't have an exact due date yet, but they estimated that it would be the week of October 11. This week. It was hard to think about. To think that I wouldn't have been watching a candle, I would have been watching my baby sleep or eat or just be there. But instead, I was watching a candle flicker. It seemed so honorable and at the same time hardly enough.

I did my devotion tonight (which has also taken a slight back burner) and listened to some worship music. Guess what my devotion said? It was about being held by God. Woah!
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Wow...when we run out of strength; when everything around us is too much to bear and seems to be rising up against us; when it seems that the path is too narrow and rough to continue, it's okay because those are the times when Jesus pulls us to Himself, wraps His loving arms around us and carries us! No wonder I totally lost it! I was so overwhelmed and so out of my own strength that Jesus was trying to get my attention and scoop me up. I was feeling too sorry for myself to notice right away, but wow, when I did it was awesome. What an amazing view from my Father's arms! ;o) My King knows when I am struggling and weak and if I only keep my eyes focused on Him, I will see that He always turns around to hold me during those times. He gives me His strength.
I am so sorry that it took me so long to see that I needed to just refocus on Him, but so very thankful that His patience is more abundant than mine! How comforting to know that He is always there and waiting, eager to take care of His children, whether we are sick physically or exhausted emotionally, or just weak and tired. He is our strength because He literally holds us through these hard times! Thank you Lord for helping and holding me!