10:45 pm. What is it about 10:45? It really bothers me. It's still early enough that a good night's sleep is possible but just getting late enough that frustration starts to creep in at the thought of not enough sleep. I remember before having kids when I would be out late with friends or with Kenny and all of a sudden it would be 3:30, 4:00 or later! It just sneaked up on us out of nowhere! Now 10:45 sneaks up on me and boy does it bother me. So what do I do? I lay in bed rather frustrated until I finally get up and decide to blog. ;o)

I'm having an annoying night. I keep hearing things...little creaks and bumps and thuds. Nothing abnormal, but enough that it is keeping me up and listening, checking. Normally I would probably sleep through these noises, knowing subconsciencely that they are normal sounds. But Kenny's working graveyard this week and tonight these noises are louder and more suspicious than usual. I'm not the only one on ultra alert when Kenny works late or is gone all night. Nope. Rylie, my female boxer, paces the house almost hourly. She checks the kids rooms, up and downstairs, the front and back doors and sleeps at the top of the stairs instead of on her bed by mine. What a good dog, huh? I tease a lot about how much she drives me crazy, but wow, she really looks after our family. I really love her actually.

My asthma and resp. issues have been going nuts lately. Running my rainbow has helped but not taken it completely away. It's really something that can't be fixed anyway, just learned to live with. It always gets worse when I'm pregnant too. I ran out of my usual emergency inhaler and have to use one that I had thrown in the back of a drawer. It's a much higher steroid and causes my heart to beat very irregularly when I have to use it. Unfortunately I have to use it all weekend and probably Monday until I can get to my doctor to refill my usual prescription. I suppose that could be what's keeping me awake too. It is very awkward when you are trying to sleep and your heart keeps skipping a beat, beating a few times very fast, pausing to take a beat break and thudding really hard. It actually hurts my chest sometimes. I can't wait to get my other inhaler.

Kaelyn asked me tonight when we said our prayers if we were going to church tomorrow. She asks me this every single day. I said yes we are, it is Sunday tomorrow. So she clarified by saying "so we can go play with Jesus tomorrow?" I said yes again and she said "Oh good. Jesus misses Kaelyn." And you know what I thought? I thought a big old thank you to Jesus. It felt like when you are a kid and you bring home a report card and your mom or dad praises you and tells you what a terrific job you are doing. I felt like Jesus was giving me a little pat on the back and telling me that I was doing something right. It felt great and I really needed the encouragement. It was cute too. ;o)

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. Well, not really alone. But just with the kids or with God. I've been trying to focus on bettering myself as a mother, wife and child of God. I've been doing early morning devotionals and quiet time to myself for a while now. I love it. It is truly an amazing and reflective time. But sometimes it's lonely too. I miss when I was in high school and my girlfriends and I would have group devotionals and Bible studies amongst ourselves. I miss that deeper connection with friends. I think it's just been me lately though. I think I have been isolating myself, but I haven't meant to at all and now I am just ending up frustrated and lonely! I've just been so focused on working on our house, sticking with our routines with the kids, meal times, nap times, bath times, play times, learning times, outside times, story times, puzzle times, craft times, and every other time. Some days feel like I am just waiting for bed times!! For all of us! I am feeling that while my family life is fantastic and fulfilled, my woman time is not. Sometimes I feel like I am ONLY a wife and mother...but not a woman. I long for the in depth conversations about anything and everything that just leave you feeling refreshed, revived, rejuvinated. The ones that make you think, question and ponder and love, cherish and appreciate. Of course I have Kenny, who is by far my best friend and along with my kids, they are my beating heart and soul. But I still miss those deep friendships with girls...peers.

Well anyway...besides all that nonsense. I had another ultrasound last week. It was great. It is so emotional to see that little tiny person growing inside me. To hear the little itty bitty heart, see the hands moving and grasping at things. To feel the feet constantly kicking and moving around just floods me with emotion. I can't believe that I am worthy to be carrying one of God's children. You know, when I think about it that way, I'm not too far off from Mary herself! ;o) But really, what a humbling thought that MY KING trusts me to take care of His child in the most developmentally critical part of their life! And then to raise that child and love and nurture that child for all the years to come! How does He know I won't screw it up? I don't even know I won't screw it up! And you know, here's a little moment of confession. I've had a hard time with this pregnancy. I've gotten bigger faster, I've had more contractions and cramping sooner, and I've been ordered to take it easy earlier. I am usually a very happy pregnant lady. I usually love being pregnant. Being sick, tired and fat with heartburn just don't bother me when I'm pregnant. But this time...everything does. I don't like looking in the mirror, I don't want to get on the scale. I don't even want to take off my pajamas all day long. I wish everyone would just look at my face instead of my belly. Eh...scratch that. I just remembered the chronic dark rings and blotchy skin I have due to my complete and utter lack of sleep. Did I mention I already can't sleep? Which is funny because we always joke that it's God's way of preparing us for the coming lack of sleep with a newborn, but here's a little memo: I know! I have two already!I don't want to prepare, I want to sleep! But back to my confession...and honestly this just hit me as I was writing it: How dare I shy away from the mirror or feel frustrated with my pregnancy when the Lord has chosen me to carry one of HIS children? How selfish, vain and naive can I be? Why should I be worrying about whether or not I fit in regular jeans or be upset that I cannot jog five miles anymore? How dare I when the Creator of the universe has given me this precious gift, this sanctified responsibility to be a vessel for His child? How selfish am I?? Jeez...I will fit in my jeans and run around the block in a few more months. But in a few more months this special time that only I have with this baby will be over. The baby will be here and will be a gift to be shared with everyone. Right now and for the next couple months, this baby is just mine and Gods. I am so sorry for my lack of understanding! I try to pray every day that God helps me to see other people and other situations through His eyes. I generally don't ask God to help me see myself through His eyes. I think I need to do that more.

Well, sorry for the brief interruption. I had a moment. ;o) Back to the ultrasound! The tech said that the baby is big, measuring about three weeks bigger than normal. I know I'm not further along though because of the miscarriage. The dates of conception are very accurate...for sure within one week. So...I'm brewing a big baby! And that big baby has even bigger baby feet. Which makes me wonder if it's a boy! I had a feeling right at day one that it was a girl, but now with all the big this and big that and the ridiculous kicking for the last six weeks I am beginning to question the pigtails and ponies and starting to think trains and baseball hats. ;o) I'm fine with either, and can't wait to find out!

Now it is officially 11:36 and I have rambled for a long time. I am not confused with 11:36. It never seems early enough to squeeze in a good night's sleep. I always know that I missed that chance when 11:36 rolls around. So with that, I am signing out and saying good night. Thanks for letting me ramble and vent! I must go get my beauty sleep for church tomorrow...Jesus misses me! ;o)